My daughter was a certified nursing junkie when she was a baby, until the day she abruptly quit at just ten months old.

I had to travel for a weekend work trip. So I packed my breastpump, dutifully turning myself into a human dairy cow every few hours, to be sure I kept up my milk supply.

When I returned home, I couldn’t wait until my daughter woke up in the middle of the night so I could nurse her. Yet there was one thing I hadn’t planned on.

She was pissed! Pissed that I disappeared without warning. Pissed that she didn’t get to weigh in on the decision. Pissed that I hurt her feelings.

So she took control the only way she knew how … a nursing strike. The Doctor and everyone else assured me she would begin nursing again once she got over it. It would probably just take a couple of weeks for her to bounce back. Though I waited and waited for her to come around, she never did.

I admit I would probably be one of those moms still nursing her if she hadn’t stopped. She’s our third and last baby and I want her to stay that way as long as possible. Call me demented (you wouldn’t be the first) but I’m in no hurry to get her out of diapers, out of her crib or out of my arms.

Recently, she started asking to nurse again, almost a full two years after she suddenly quit. That’s one hell of a long nursing strike!

Of course breastfeeding is no longer an option, but her renewed interest got me wondering what it would be like to nurse this highly verbal, super precocious, soon-to-be three year old.

Here’s what I think she would say…

11 Conversations With My (Imaginary) Nursing Toddler

    1    I DON’T like when you use that lotion, Mommy, it makes your nipple taste funny!

    2    AWWW, Indian food, Mommy! You know I prefer Thai. So selfish.

    3    Did you use Sriracha again, Mommy? Your milk is WAY too spicy!

    4    What’s that YUCKY smell, Mommy? I can’t believe you ate raw garlic.

    5    Are you back on gluten, Mommy? I told you how much it HURTS my belly!

    6    Red wine gives me a headache. Especially when you drink the entire bottle. PLEASE, Mommy, try to stick to one glass of white!

    7    STOP eating so much dairy, Mommy! This mucus is out of control and I don’t even know how to blow my nose yet.

    8    All that broccoli is giving me gas, Mommy. CHILL with the cruciferous veggies!

    9    You NEED to switch to decaf, Mommy! How can I run around all day on the playground if you’re keeping me from getting enough sleep?

    10    Citrus makes my butthole BURN, Mommy! Can’t you try putting mango in your smoothie instead?

    11    This side’s empty, Mommy. SWITCH!

Come to think of it, I’m really glad my daughter isn’t nursing anymore. Because I’m almost 40 years old and I sure as shit don’t need some shorty telling me what to eat, drink or do with my life.