Preschools are the ultimate germ factories. Which means if your kid’s school is anything like my daughter’s, not only are you bringing home a shit ton of pesky preschool germs, you can also count on receiving approximately 4000 Health Notices per week.

The notice typically goes something like this:

 January 26, 2015

Dear Families,

A child in the two year old program has been diagnosed with strep throat caused by streptococcal bacteria. The child was last in attendance Tuesday, December 16, 2014.

Fever, enlarged tonsils and a reddened throat characterize the infection.

If your child develops the symptoms of strep throat, please consult your physician for a throat culture/rapid strep test. Children with infections caused by streptococcal bacteria are not able to attend school for a minimum of 24 hours after they have begun antibiotic treatment.

If you have questions about our school’s health notices, or how to avoid pesky preschool germs, please contact the School Director.

Sincerely,

The School
 

There are five important details about those preschool germs the school will likely forget to mention in the letter:

    1    Your kid shared a water bottle with the infected child during snack time. Seven times to be exact.

    2    The infected child forgot to utilize the “chicken wing” maneuver when sneezing. Instead of “achooing” into his elbow he sprayed your kid’s face. Three times to be exact.

    3    The infected child licked your kid on the playground. Two times to be exact. Per cheek.

    4    The infected child performed an exploratory maneuver that involved digging his hands into his pee soaked diaper at the lunch table. Then he immediately passed your kid a pretzel. One piss soaked pretzel to be exact.

    5    There’s not a chance in hell your kid isn’t catching the virus or bacteria from the infected child. Zero chances in hell to be exact.

 Since I’m totally in favor of being direct, if I were writing a Health Notice it would go more like this:

 January 26, 2015

Dear Families,

A child in the two year old program has been diagnosed with strep throat caused by streptococcal bacteria. The child was last in attendance Tuesday, December 16, 2014 because his selfish mom had a super important work meeting ‘she just couldn’t miss’ and his dumbass dad is out of town on a business trip banging the crap out of the new Intern from the Procurement Department. Basically they didn’t give two shits that little Sammy was contagious.

Fever, enlarged tonsils and a reddened throat characterize the infection. In some cases people who have tested positive from a rapid strep test administered by their physician may develop a rash, otherwise known as scarlet fever. A skin rash and a reddened tongue may develop causing the chid to be treated like a leper for the remainder of the week. The rash and reddened tongue will go away, but the child will be emotionally scarred for life.

When your child develops the symptoms of strep throat, and believe me he or she will develop them, please consult your physician for a throat culture/rapid strep test. Children with infections caused by streptococcal bacteria are not able to attend school for a minimum of 24 hours after they have begun antibiotic treatment. Don’t be a dick and disregard this regulation like Sammy’s parents did.

If you have questions about this health notice, please contact Sammy’s parents directly. You can find their home address and contact information in the Student Directory listed under “S” for Shitheads. I mean Sammy.

Sincerely,

The School

P.S. You’re fucked.