Inspired by If You Give a Mouse a Cookie

If you bring a toddler into a public restroom...

1    She’s going to want to come in the stall with you.

2    When you let her in the stall, she’ll probably ask you a rather personal question in a very loud voice, such as “Mommy, why is that string hanging out of your vagina?”

3    When she’s finished with her inquisition, she’ll ask why you just stuck your tampon in that little plastic box on the wall.

4    Then she’ll want to look in the box to see how many other tampons are in there and, though you’ll try to stop her, you won’t be able to in time.

5    While she’s busily counting, you’ll stand up to pull up your pants. So the toilet will automatically flush, scaring your toddler half to death.

6    When she’s finished convulsing, she’ll need to wash her germ infested hands. She’ll start washing them. She might get carried away and squirt far, far too much soap into her hands. She may even end up washing the counters as well!

7    When she’s done, she’ll probably want to dry her hands. You’ll have to show her how the automatic hand dryer works. She’ll have another hysterical fit because the automatic hand dryer will scare her shitless. Again.

8    She’ll probably ask you to comfort her.

9    So you’ll pick her up, give her a big squeeze, and then realize she did shit her pants. For real.

10    When you look inside her diaper to confirm the state of affairs, you’ll instantly become nauseous to the point that you will actually vomit in your mouth.

11    You’ll go to the changing table but it will be so filthy with crusty brown specks and streaks that you’ll decide to change your toddler standing up. When you try to change her standing up, the poop will fall out of the diaper and plop right onto the ground.

12    She’ll want to play with it. Then she’ll want to draw wthejillist.com/2015/02/ways-to-induce-vomiting/ith it all over the walls. Which means she’ll need to wash her hands again.

13    She’ll wash her hands with even more soap this time. Looking at the hand dryer will remind her that the noise is terrifying, so…

14    …She’ll start hysterically crying. And chances are that by the time you calm her down, you’ll need to go to the bathroom again.

15    While you’re going to the bathroom, she’ll start reading the graffiti on the wall.  I-L-O-V-E-. She might even get carried away and read all the letters. I-L-O-V-E-T-O-F-U-C-K. If she’s especially advanced she may try to sound out the letters as well! When she’s done, she’ll probably want to know what it means.

16    You’ll have to make something up on the fly as all the other adults within earshot listen to hear how you’re going to handle this milestone moment.

17    She’ll then decide that she needs to pee. Right away. She’ll probably insist on trying to use the potty.

18    So you’ll practically break your back trying to hold her up without letting her body touch the seat or her pants touch the ground. When she sees the pee come out, she’ll get so excited she’ll clap her hands. In the pee.

19    She’ll ask why you are crying. She’ll start crying ,too. Then the toilet will automatically flush again sending her into a total tailspin.

20    When all the crying’s finished, she’ll need to wash her hands again. Then she’ll want to turn the entire bathroom into a giant slip n slide. Which means you’ll need to get her the hell out of there, fast.

21    She’ll thrash and scream because she didn’t get to finish her slip n slide or dry her hands. Looking at the dryer will remind her that she’s been terrorized by the damn thing. So … she’ll want to get the hell out of there, too.

22    And chances are you’ll see a business man with a briefcase walk out of the Family Restroom that was locked when you tried to use it, and you’re going to want to kick his ass all over the place.