Move over vibrator. There’s a new pleasure gadget in town. The frozen banana!

If ever there was a magical food that could transform the dessert repertoire of almost every high maintenance person on the planet, it’s the frozen banana. It doesn’t matter if you’re vegan, gluten free, dairy sensitive, anti-added sugar or just a whiny little pain-in-the-ass who typically finds fault with everything …

You’ll love getting down with the frozen banana.

Here are three super a-peal-ing ways to enjoy them:

1. Banana Soft Serve

lf you want to blow your kids’ minds with a little bit of kitchen sorcery, look no further:

First, grab a ripe banana or two, slice it into coin size pieces and then freeze the slices in an airtight container or ziplock bag for at least two hours (or preferably overnight). Once frozen, toss the banana pieces into your blender or food processor, whirl them up for a minute or two until nice and creamy and— voila!— instant banana soft serve.

Scoop that luscious goodness into a bowl. Set out some coconut flakes, peanuts, dark chocolate chips or other classic sundae toppings, and you’ve just cemented your Wizard status for a solid five minutes. Way to go, mom.

Enough with the kid stuff. Once you master the basic banana soft serve recipe, experiment with adding other ingredients into your base to make it more adult centric. Almond butter, honey, cinnamon, berries, maple syrup, vanilla extract or cocoa powder – just about anything goes! These welcome little additions help keep things nice and interesting and are fun to try as threesomes. You’ll want to sprinkle your extras in towards the end of the blending process. Try adding a splash of coconut milk or almond milk to enhance the creaminess and prolong your partner’s shouts of “o-o-o-ohhhh, this is sooooooo good”.

2. Chocolate Covered Banana Bites

Now I’m not talking about the boxed chocolate-covered bananas the lame-ass moms buy from the grocery store. You’re better than that. Or at least you’re trying. Instead of serving up that loveless shit, try pouring your heart into making your own homemade chocolate covered bananas.

This couldn’t be easier. Start by prepping all of the key components:

Begin by peeling and slicing 2 ripe bananas into 1/2 inch pieces and place them on a parchment lined baking sheet. Next, freeze them for at least 2 hours. In the meantime, prepare some smaller bowls with the toppings of your choice. Chopped peanuts and coconut flakes are my go-to’s, but the sky’s the limit.

Once the banana slices are frozen go ahead and carefully melt 1/2 cup of dark chocolate chips and 1TB refined coconut oil in a small saucepan over low heat.

Now on to the the messy part. Take your frozen banana slices and, using two forks, carefully dunk one at a time into the melted chocolate, allowing any excess chocolate to drizzle off. Then drop the slice into your topping bowl and gently coat it before transferring it to the parchment paper.

Whatever’s not immediately scarfed down can be stored in an airtight container in the freezer. Don’t forget to wipe the chocolate off your face, along with the shame.

3. Smoothies

We all know the banana is the star of most smoothie recipes. But the frozen banana makes the regular banana look like a d-list dud. It turns out if you start with a frozen banana, there’s no need to dilute your smoothie with flavorless ice.

So if one day you have a bowl full of ripe bananas and the next day they look half dead, simply slice and place them in a freezer bag. Be sure to squeeze as much air as possible out of the bag, before sealing it, to help avoid freezer burn.

When you’re ready to make a smoothie, thaw your banana pieces for just a few minutes and they’ll be ready to toss into the blender.


For a smoothie worthy of doubling as a date-night dessert, try my Tropical Dream recipe.

Home life just got a little more exciting. Dontcha think?

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