Every now and then I come across a fitness article targeted towards moms that makes me wonder if a 20 year old barren, stoned, college student wrote it. The introduction usually reads something like “Determined to be more active? Try these tips to get off your butt and finally get that booty firmed”.

Fitness tips for moms usually revolve around how to make the most of your time while running errands or doing mundane chores. Though perhaps well intentioned, when the tips involve having your toddler with you, the advice often comes off as being insane, stupid and/or down-right dangerous.

If you follow them, you probably won’t lose the baby weight. But you might lose the actual toddler in the process.

1) Misguided Fitness Tip for Moms

Ditch the bank drive-thru. Park the car instead and walk in to burn a few extra calories. Interacting with a grown-up will make you feel human, too.

Why You Should Ignore This Tip:
Because you’re fucking nuts if you bring a toddler into the bank. Trying to use an ATM machine with a kid in tow is bad enough. Actually trying to interact with a Bank Teller and deposit or withdraw the correct amount of money is beyond comical. You’ll wind up accidentally taking out a HELOC on your neighbor’s house. Just use the damn drive-thru and call it good. While your kid is sucking on that free lollipop, try some of these car exercises instead to burn a few extra calories.

2) Misguided Fitness Tip for Moms  

Take a lap around the store. Try organizing your Target shopping list so that you have to walk from one end of the store to the next using the longest possible walking route!

Why You Should Ignore This Tip
Because you’re fucking nuts if you bring a toddler to Target … or any other big-box store for that matter. Of course there are times when you simply have no choice. In such a case, the very dumbest thing you could possibly do is take the longest walking route. By then you’re toddler will have caused at least one ‘Clean up on Aisle 6” loud speaker announcement and overtly offended a solid five innocent shoppers with curious questions along the lines of “Mommy, why does that blue-haired old lady have a baby in her tummy?” Instead grab only what’s on your list, take the shortest route possible, and walk out of the store as quickly as your God-given legs will allow you. You’ll probably burn more calories and save yourself a shit ton of embarrassment.

3) Misguided Fitness Tip for Moms
Park far away at the grocery store. When you leave, ditch the cart at the exit and carry your bags to the cars.

Why You Should Ignore This Tip
Because you’re fucking nuts if you ditch the cart at the entrance since —breaking news!— your toddler’s probably still in it. Taking your kid out of the cart before you get to your vehicle is equally asinine. Presumably you have at most two hands, so you’re likely going to need both of them to carry your assorted grocery bags. This means you now have a free range toddler on the loose, roaming the parking lot just begging to be mowed down by a moving car.


4) Misguided Fitness Tip for Moms
Take a quick morning walk. When you go out to your car in the morning, stroll to the end of the street and back. It’ll help perk you up and wipe the sleep from your eyes. Plus you’ll sneak some cardio in.

Why You Should Ignore This Tip
Because you’re fucking nuts if you think you’re going to have a quick morning walk with a toddler. Leavingyour kid in the car unattended with the garage door open isn’t any better. By the time you feel refreshed, the creepy neighborhood sex offender might already be coming up the rears. Thinking about closing the garage to keep your toddler secure while you pound the pavement? I’m sure your toddler won’t mind either freezing half to death or sucking on car fumes for a while. How about you save the walk for when you’re not in such a hurry. Then you can throw your kid in the stroller, go visit the duck pond down the street, and wave hello to the sex offender from a nice, safe distance.

What demented fitness tips for moms have you seen recently? Share in the comments below so we can all have a good laugh together.