We’ve all heard how better sleep helps maintain weight, memory and most of all sanity, not to mention other numerous health benefits.
But try telling that to the newborn who needs a quick milk fix every few hours. Or the toddler who has a brand new big girl bed and thinks it’s hilllllarious to barge into your room. Every. Fifteen. Minutes.
Sleep interruptions happen. Especially when you’re a mom.
That’s why we need to find creative ways to score longer bursts of those coveted z’s.
1. Emergency Room Visit
The bed isn’t going to be the comfiest one on Earth but it will be all yours for a nice little stretch. Other than some blood or a urine sample, you’re guaranteed a solid six hours of nobody asking you for anything. When you’re not being carted off to have a CAT scan, ultrasound or EKG, you’ll sleep like a dead person. Careful, though, or you might get mistaken for someone who belongs in the Morgue.
Bonus Tip: Complaining about sharp arm pain or abdominal discomfort in the lower right quadrant is a guaranteed way to get your foot in the sliding door.
2. Benadryl-Induced Coma
It’s supposed to be used to alleviate classic allergy symptoms like a runny nose and itchy eyes, But I’ve heard that some incredibly resourceful neglectful parents actually use it to “help” their children sleep.
Of course, you would never do that. But since you’re a grown ass woman, it’s perfectly okay for you to take a nice, big dose of drowsy.
If it’s daytime settle the kids in with their favorite back-up babysitter, a.k.a. YouTube. If it’s nighttime go ahead and tuck them in, making sure to “accidentally” kick the monitor over on your way out. Then immediately proceed to toss back a few big swigs. Preferably through a straw. There’s no time to waste here. Every minute is a minute you could be filling up that sleep meter.
Don’t forget to surround yourself with adequate padding. When the room starts to feel like it’s spinning, you’re liable to go horizontal fast and hard.
3. A Jet Plane
The only people who don’t sleep on airplanes are the ones with kids. Other people will say they don’t, but the moment the engine starts up they go catatonic, with their head tipped back and mouth hanging open, sucking up stale, dry air just like everyone else.
Obviously you want to leave the kids at home, Or with the neighbor. Or on the corner of a busy intersection with a “Free” sign dangling from their necks. Just find a way to get rid of ‘em for a bit. Then march yourself down to the nearest airport and hop on the cheapest, longest flight you can find.
Lower your eye mask, recline your seat and and enjoy the trip to Snoozeville. That return ticket is entirely optional.
4. Cable TV
Find your remote control, tune into The Golf Channel and get ready to drool within seconds of watching the most boring sport on Earth. If by some miracle that doesn’t do the trick, flip to CSPAN and listen to the grey-haired white guy prattle on about Bill S197-IDGAF and the mating rituals of endangered three-winged unicorns it seeks to protect. Your eyes will glaze over in mere seconds. You might even get lucky and land on a Filibuster. That’s a guaranteed 12 or so hours of REM sleep right there.
5. Meditation (also frequently referred to as being bored (un)conscious)
Meditating may allow some people to achieve an enlightened state, but let me assure you “consciousness’ is the last thing we’re going for here.
Still, you’re going to want to grab yourself some of those handy guided meditation CD’s or download one of the latest podcasts. The entrancing voices are like pure Ambien spewing from the speakers.
Be sure to hit Repeat. Don’t forget to mercilessly chastise yourself for not being able to clear your mind. The self deprecation will only add to your exhaustion. Then drift off as your chakras vibrate in resonance with the universe.
Now slowly back away from the lavender oil and for Christ’s sake, put down the Melatonin.
The next time you-know-who cries because he can’t locate his super easy to find glow-in-the-dark pacifier, skip the frilly bullshit and proceed directly to Plan Z.
You can save the lavender oil for your next luxurious bath. I’m sure it will still be good in, like, five years, right?