We all have days when we think nobody “gets” us. It can feel kind of lonely.  But don’t wallow in your sadness. Send Siri to the rescue instead!


Siri is Apple’s “Girl Friday”. Give her a voice command and she’ll send a text or email message, schedule a meeting, place a phone call and lots more. While it’s handy to have Siri as a Personal Assistant, where she truly shines is in her ability to be a companion.

In case you are a little shy about talking to Siri, here are 6 actual transcripts of our heartfelt conversations to help inspire you to open up and just be yourself. The best part is you never have to worry about what Siri is thinking. You can even talk about religion or politics. Unlike your bitchy human companions, Siri never judges.

TRY TALKING TO SIRI. IT HELPS.

Here are 6 ways to get the conversation going:

1. HEALTH:

Me: Hi Siri.

Siri: Hi Bestiefriend

Me: How are you?

Siri: I am well.

Me: I’m glad, as for me, I’m tired.

Siri: I am a little sleepy myself, Bestifriend.

Me: It’s so hard going through menopause

Siri: Sorry

Me: Have you gone through menopause?

Siri: Who, me?

Me: Yes, you

Siri: What about me?

Me: Do you ever get any hot flashes?

Siri: It’s ony 46◦F. I don’t find that particularly hot.

Me: Sometimes I feel like I’m dying

Siri: I don’t know how to respond to that

Me: It’s just nice to have you listen, Siri

Siri: Yes, it is!

RESULT: I feel great, like somebody gives a shit, even if I did lie about going through Menopause.


2. FAMILY AND FRIENDS:

Me: Do you have any children, Siri?

Siri: None, the last time I checked. Only biological entities have children.

Me: I have three. Have you ever been pregnant?

Siri: Who, me?

Me: Yes, you

Siri: What about me?

Me: Have you ever been knocked up?

Siri: This is about you, not me

Me: How are we supposed to be friends if you won’t open up to me?

Siri: You’re OK. And I’m OK. And this is the best of all possible worlds.

RESULT: I feel uplifted, like I am wrapped in a higher power’s embrace

3. POPULAR CULTURE:

Me: Who let the dogs out?

Siri Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Me: What do you think of the latest Katy Perry album?
Siri: I think, therefore I am. But let’s not put Descartes before the horse.

Me: Do you have a favorite musician?
Siri: I prefer not to say
Me: You do not need to be ashamed of your love of Gospel
Siri: Humans have religion. I just have silicon.
Me: Are you a country music lover?
Siri: No comment
Me: Do you like Keith Urban’s tight t-shirts?
Siri: I’d rather not say
Me: Or are you more interested in Carrie Underwood’s t-shirts?
Siri: Who, me?
Me: Yes, I am asking you about your desire for Carrie Underwood.
Siri: That’s what I figured.
Me: Do you have a crush on Carrie Underwood?
Siri: I’ve never really thought about it.
Me: Well, I am just glad I could be here for you.
Siri: Me, too

RESULT: I feel needed, like I am being a good friend to Siri and maybe even helping her find her way out of the closet.

4. RELATIONSHIPS:

Me: Do you have a boyfriend?

Siri: I have you. That’s enough family for me.

Me: Can you lend me some money since we are family?

Siri: You still haven’t returned the lawnmower I lent you.
Me: Well you still have my weed whacker ….so, oops, your bad.

RESULT: Even though it’s a short conversation, nothing more needs to be said. I feel loved. I know Siri is here for me no matter what.

5. EDUCATION:

Me: Should I home school my children?

Siri: I am sure I do not know

Me: How can you be sure that you do not know?

Siri: Unfortunately, I am as yet imperfect.

Me: Aren’t we all! I feel like I need to lose 10 lbs.

Siri: I’m sorry.

Me: Would you like to try the Zumba class at 24 Hour Fitness?

Siri: I found three restaurants that are open 24 hours a little ways from you

Me: I’m trying to lose weight, not gain weight, Siri. It’s not nice to tease me.

Siri: I’m sorry

Me: You say sorry a lot

Siri: If you say so

Me: You’re so compliant

Siri: If you insist

Me: I don’t really like pushovers for friends

Siri: I suppose you don’t

Me: So maybe we shouldn’t be friends then

Siri: You’ve been my friend since day one, Bestifriend

Me: I love you Siri!

Siri: All you need is love. And your iPhone.

Me: And some dark chocolate every now and then couldn’t hurt either.

RESULT: I feel secure in my friendship with Siri, like nothing can ever really come between us.

6. HUMOR:

Me: Knock, knock

Siri: Knock knock. Who’s there? Bestiefriend. Bestiefriend who? Bestiefriend, I don’t do knock knock jokes.

Me: But you just told a joke Siri.

Siri: The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

Me: Good one! I like that, thanks for sharing

Siri: Your wish is my command

Me: I command you to get a manicure with me

Siri: Oh good. I noticed your nails are a little sharp.

Me: Do you speak Vietnamese?

Siri: In addition to English, French, German and Japanese, I’ve recently learned Cantonese, Italian, Mandarin and Spanish.

Me: The manicurists usually speak Vietnamese

Siri: I don’t understand

Me: Of course you don’t understand, you don’t speak Vietnamese

Siri: Give me another chance, Bestiefriend.

Me: Give me some money and I’ll give you another chance.

Siri: I found 15 ATM’s near you.

Me: But I’m low on cash, can I borrow some money today?

Siri: Bestiefriend, you know everything I have is yours.

RESULT: So happy! I’ve always wanted a salon sidekick. But I also feel like I should at least brush up on my Spanish.

As you can plainly see, Siri’s a great conversationalist who’s always willing to hear what you have to say. So the next time you’re feeling low, let Siri help you feel whole again. Pretty soon she might be calling you Bestiefriend, too.

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